ahhhh… a day off
Today I got plenty of workouts in, sneaked in a nap while the kids and I watched a movie together, made playdoh, and then headed out the door for an afternoon off. I ate at an amazing sushi place, bought myself several new shirts and hair accessories, and went to a play. One of my friends is in the play, otherwise I wouldn’t have had any interest in going – but it turned out to be great! It was a lot funnier than I thought it would be, and still very poignant at times, due in a large part to the phenomenal job the actors did.
You know, when I wrote a couple weeks ago about how I don’t have “mommy-guilt” I did forget about one thing: I feel terrible that I need days off every once in awhile. I know lots of moms don’t insist on an afternoon off every couple of weeks, and I have plenty of moms around me who tell me how they love every minute of being a mom and don’t want to ever be away from their kids (and moms whose kids are grown and tell me this and add a little guilt trip about how kids grow up so fast and I need to enjoy every minute and not get caught up in the little frustrations – its a lot easier to say that looking back at those little frustrations 30 years later, but when its your current life, things are a bit different – I’m going to try really hard to remember not to say that to young moms when I’m older, because honestly it just makes them feel like crap). I feel like I must be less of a mother because I need breaks every once in awhile. I try to justify it to myself, saying that the fact that I co-sleep and practice extended breastfeeding and am a full-time stay at home mom means I just have a lot more contact/closeness with my kids than a lot of moms, but that’s just a cop-out. I wish I was a better person and could be a perfect mom all the time without needed a few hours every once in awhile to be just me again, without all the extra responsibilities of being “mom.” Maybe I’ll get to that point someday. The play I saw tonight was about a group home for MR adults and the burnt-out social worker who works with them – it felt awful that I related so much to the frustrations and overwhelmedness of the social worker. I hadn’t asked for/insisted on/planned a day off for myself in a couple of weeks and I was feeling very burnt out the last couple of days. Killy has actually seemed to grow up quite a bit the last couple weeks and is being much more rational and less likely to throw tantrums – but Ellie stepped right in to take over! My sweet, quiet Ellie has been pitching fits left and right the last few days and I just am so surprised by it that its even more frustrating. But, these things are cyclical, and I’m sure that things will get better soon. So, to sum up: I don’t have any regrets about how I’m raising my kids, just regrets about my personal flaws and how they reflect in me as a mother. Does that make any sense?
I think its time for me to take a bubble bath and go to bed. I’ve been so much more tired this week than usual – I think its because I’ve doubled my daily workout minutes and I’m dealing with insomnia again. I’m very frustrated with how I look right now, ever since I went on a new medication last August I am constantly struggling with my weight, in a way I haven’t had to before. Its very frustrating – did I mention that? I just want to be able to wear my clothes comfortably and not look chubby all the time. Is that really TOO much to ask? hmph.
I promise tomorrow I’ll have cute pictures of the kids and cute sayings… no more whining from me!
5/28: 90 minutes
1442/1500
May 29th, 2008 at 5:19 am
GOOD GRIEF! Any mother who told you that she never needed any time off and absolutely cherished every single moment with her children is LYING! You should feel no guilt about needing a few hours to yourself every once in a while. I wonder why “spouse-guilt” isn’t nearly as prevalent. Pretty much everyone who is (even happily) married has had at least small frustrations with his/her spouse and wanted some “me time”. It’s not really so different from children. You can mold them and raise them to be good people, but at the end of the day, they are still just human, with their own personalities. Since you can’t possibly control all their actions, it’s only logical that you need little breaks. They can serve the dual purpose of returning your sanity AND reminding you how much you love them (absence, even a little one, makes the heart grow fonder!). NO MORE MOMMY-GUILT! You’re a wonderful mother and your children are incredibly lucky!
May 29th, 2008 at 6:59 am
I think it’s ridiculous that people would expect mothers to stop being people because they have children. I am an extremely internal person and know I need time alone. I don’t really expect that to change when I have this baby, no matter how much I love and adore him or her. I will still be me and function the way I function. Trust me, I also have guilt issues so I know where you are coming from but I hope you seriously know that everyone needs time to themselves. People trying to display their best selves to others and like Carina said, anyone who says they don’t need time to themselves is lying.
Sorry for the essay!!
Jessie
May 30th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Jen, I think that having time to ourselves actually makes us better moms. We need to recharge ourselves, and taking time to do things we enjoy, alone or with friends but child-free, gives us the energy we need to parent the way we want. So let that mommy-guilt go, and know that this is another way to be the person you want to be, including being the mom you want to be. This isn’t selfish, it is essential!
I love reading your blog – thanks for sharing your self and your life!